Sometimes

Sometimes it isn't all pretty.  I post about all the happy things going on in our life but unfortunately it isn't always laughs and giggles.  Sometimes Colton tests the limits, and Chase doesn't want to be put down and mommy feels totally overwhelmed. Sometimes I wonder if I meant to be a stay at home mommy. "Sometimes" is happening more often than I'd like. I love being home with my babies. It's my job.  It's my life.  It's what I've always wanted! Sure, I work two days a week teaching PreK for a couple hours but that's my part time job (and my get away). Being a stay at home mommy and wife is my full time job.Some days are amazing and run so smooth. Other days, not so much. Other days take all I have out of me and I feel like a failure.  I'm doing the most important job on the planet.I, along with Zak, am molding my boys into men.  Deep I know, they are 3 and 10 months, but they are never too young to learn. I am trying to teach them right from wrong and good from bad. Colton is at a stage where he wants to test each and every thing and doesn't listen to anything or anyone.He is his own boss.He wants to know how much he can get away with.  He pits Zak and I against each other when he is home but when I'm home he just has complete meltdowns.  I mean like meltdowns where his head spins and his eyes bulge out of his little sweet head. He throws things, he screams, he runs aways from me. I know its a phase but it's been a long phase.  I feel like I'm letting him down and I try so hard to stand my ground. I'm trying to let him know I will not back down.  It's hard.  I've watched Super Nanny, I've googled ideas, I've gone back to all I learned about early childhood in college.  I've made behavior charts for everything you could imagine and we even have a treasure box. We have a time out corner.  We've tried spanking.  We've tried ignoring the behavior.  We've tried staying completely positive.Nothing works.I worry about one of these meltdowns happening out in public (and they have), or at a playdate, or in front of family and friends. I want my children to think I'm a good mom.  But, I can't help but want every one around me to thing I'm a good mom too.  I want everyone who sees me to think, "Wow, she's a great mom.  She's got it all together."  Heck, I want to think that. But, I don't.When we're out in public I feel like a circus act.  I try to keep it together but somethings always falling apart. More times than I'd like to admit I just want to be put in time out myself.I know every mom struggles.  I know every child tests their limits.But I'm throwing up the white flag.  I surrender.     I. don't. know. what. to. do.